"The burdens which were laid... were made light"

I don't usually bear testimony on my blog, but I have had such a profound experience these last difficult seven weeks, that I would be remiss if I didn't record my testimony somewhere. If you are uncomfortable with religion, I hope you are not offended by my following remarks. I feel strongly that the hand of God has been at work in our home, and I have the desire to share.

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When Ryan was first called away (April 30th), we were both in disbelief. Our shock quickly - and all too easily - became anger, bitter and hateful anger. We lashed out at the lazy union and the money-hungry corporation. We murmured about the family-hating negotiators. We were angry.

The first Sunday in May we fasted together that he would be sent home quickly. We wanted our burden removed. We each attended the temple multiple times that month - never together, of course and unfortunately - seeking the Lord's blessing upon our family to allow us to be together.

We now stand humbled; we were asking for the wrong thing.

In the Book of Mormon, we read about a righteous people who were striving to live the Lord's commandments, yet they were placed in difficult circumstances in which to cope.

We read, "...he exercised authority over them, and put tasks upon them, and put task-masters over them." We too have felt helpless under the restrictions of this assignment from Ryan's employer. And like Alma's people "so great were [our] afflictions that [we] began to cry mightily to God."

One particular day in the temple stands out to me. I was sitting in tears, feeling lonely and sad for myself, praying silently for my husband to be allowed to come home. Without warning, I felt an overwhelming peace come over me; I was calm... I felt quiet. At the time, I interpreted this quiet peace as the Holy Ghost assuring me that Ryan would be home soon. But as the weeks continued to lengthen, I felt confused.

One evening Ryan and I were talking on the phone, and he gently proposed that maybe we'd been praying for the wrong thing. He suggested, and I hesitantly accepted, that we start praying to be able to cope with our trial instead of asking for it to end. What a blessing to have a righteous priesthood holder leading our family.

I changed my prayers, and as they changed, I felt my burden being lifted. I started praying that I would be able to do it - happily take care of the kids' basic needs, show them my love instead of my stress, have the strength to sleep less and do more, and get the chores done and find time to play with them too.

I feel certain that caring for the boys has become easier, and I have been astonished to find that life without Ryan has become smoother.

Please don't hear me wrong: We love Ryan, and we still desperately want our dad living in our home again - waking each morning with us, having our bowls of cereal together, praying together as a family before entering the wicked world each day, coming home each night, eating dinner with us, praying with us before retiring to bed, loving us and being with us, doing Japanese at bedtime... and everything else our Daddy means to us. We want him back home more than anything. Happy Father's Day, Babe. We miss you.

But yes, life has indeed become less traumatic and heart-wrenching. Do the boys still fight? Do they still make enormous messes for me to clean up? Are they filthy and need a bath constantly? Have they run out of clean clothes every week this month? Yep. But all of this has become bearable.

I am coping, and the Lord is making me capable.

"And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."

I now stand as an additional witness that the Lord God does indeed visit His people in their afflictions. He has come to us, here in little who-really-cares Illinois. He is helping me take care of two crazy boys - His Spirits - all by myself. Seven weeks ago I NEVER would have been able to care for my kids day in and day out all on my own. And quite honestly, I still am not.

I have been surrounded by those who have been God's hands. Our neighbors and our ward members have offered babysitting, dinners, lawn-mowing, play dates and help with putting the kids to bed. My parents, my siblings and my in-laws have offered words of encouragement and listening ears. I've even received flowers twice! They have buoyed me up. They have served as Christ would if He were amongst us, and they have been instrumental in lightening my load.

"And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."

Do I have bad days (...or strings of bad days, lol)? Do I forget how much easier it is now than when he first left? Do I sometimes waiver when I pray and just desperately beg for Ryan to come home? Yes, yes, yes. I'm not perfect. But I have learned so much about the love of our God and His desire to come to us and teach us about love, His true and abiding love.

"And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage."

And one day, sooner or later, Ryan will be home again; we will be delivered from bondage. He will be home, and this strange few months will be something we look back on and... laugh about. Yes, we will smile. We will be able to bear testimony in classes and in talks and in lessons about "that time when Ryan was away" and how our burdens were lightened that we would be able to bear them.

I look forward to looking BACK on this time instead of living through it, but I know that the Lord has made it easier. He has lightened my burdens as I have came to Him in humble, fervent prayer and as I have tried to do what is right. 

Though the anger still returns from time to time, I know that the hand of the Lord has been watching over my family, strengthening us and making our burdens light. Though we do not know when the Lord will see fit to remove this burden from our backs and deliver us from bondage, I know that He will continue to comfort and strengthen us to bear it.

(All quotations can be found in Mosiah 24.)