Brennan is now six weeks old, and though I could post about his milestones (he smiles at us now), about Collin (who now knows all this colors, most of his shapes, and counts to ten easily and to twenty with help), or about Ryan (who is on a scout camp-out tonight and tomorrow), instead I am going to selfishly post about me.
1 - My Body:
My body has aged at least a decade with this pregnancy and delivery. My back, arms and neck hurt all the time. (And it didn't help that I fell down the stairs this week.) My stitches have healed funny, and I am still rather uncomfortable "down there." The midwife cauterized some areas today, which hurt like holy heck for about an hour and feels almost like heaven since. My hemorrhoids are in full force, so though I've stopped bleeding from the delivery, I gush like no other each time I deliver daily on the toilet. I'm nursing (of which I am a huge advocate - don't hear me wrong), which means none of my tops fit correctly or comfortably. And none of my bottoms (except my one pair of fat-girl khakis) button, since I still have at least 15 pounds I need to lose (to hit my first pre-pregnancy weight), and hopefully more like 30 pounds to drop (to hit this pre-pregnancy weight). My hair is in a pony-tail at least half of the time, and my little Brennan still manages to twist his fingers into the little baby hairs on my neck. I have had an on-again-off-again headache since the day I delivered Baby #2 which usually centralizes behind my eye balls. And the midwife explained today that the stinging sensation I've been feeling above my belly button is indeed a separation of my stomache muscles that may or may not heal itself in the next 3 months. Do I feel good? Not a bit.
So the six-weeks-post-partum visit that should mean a return to exercise - and a beginning to the weight loss and an ending to my achy body? Not for me. All I was cleared for today was for walking. Yep, with another visit in 10 days. Here's to some miraculous healing...
2 - My Mind:
Mush. That's what my mind seems to be now. Yes, I have most of the picture books in our home memorized and I have recently polished up on the difference between a rhombus and a parallelogram, but last night as I lay in bed singing in my mind "Mr Golden Sun" for the millionth time, I realized that my mind was far from my scholarship days of college or even my days as valedictorian of high school.
Do I regret being a stay-at-home mom? Not for a second. (Well maybe when they both are crying and I have to change back-to-back poopy diapers...) But I wouldn't trade the hours I spend with them for a paycheck any day, and I couldn't be happier to spend each and every day with my two boys at home.
But am I stretching my mind and learning a new fact each day? No. Do I bend over backwards to watch Jeopardy each day? Yep. Pathetic? Probably. Do I have the time or energy to engage in mind-stretching exercises? Nope. Will there be another time in my life for such things before I lose my brain for good? I hope so...
3 - My Spirit:
When I feel strapped for time and short on sleep, the first thing I cut is always my scripture study. I have done it again and again in my life with the same results - stress and frustration. You'd think I'd learn. In my usual form, Brennan's birth and its life adjustments caused me to curb my usual daily reading.
Now that I am returning to teaching my Primary class (I took a short break), I just prepared my lesson for Sunday. Aww, forced scripture study is the best medicine when you've been negligent. Our lesson on Sunday is about when Christ called his apostles in the first church. It reminded me of how grateful I am for living prophets, especially when they are called on by the Lord to speak out against the evils of the world. I admire their courage when Hollywood and the media mocks them, and I am saddened when those (especially of my own faith) forget their divine call and divine message and join the ranks to desparage their remarks. I am even more discouraged when I hear those of my faith disregard the apostles' words and say they were "only speaking their own opinion."
I may be speaking somewhat in code here, but I am so grateful for prophets and apostles who stand for what is right in the face of critical mobs. I am grateful for a church which teaches that revelation can (and does) come from both the priesthood line and the personal line. I am grateful for the opportunity I have each day to feel the Spirit as I study ancient (Bible & Book of Mormon) and modern scripture (Doctrine and Covenants & Ensign) - even when I don't always take the opportunity to do so.
Is this post a mess of things that are whirling around in my mind? Yep - blame it on the mush. Do you have any thoughts about your body, mind and spirit?
7 comments:
First off, I loved your post. Very honest and true. (And thanks for reminding me of the word "rhombus". Seriously when Brennan's been playing with his shapes I didn't know what to call the one with 4 sides that wasn't a parallelogram.)
I also loved this post because it's an honest realization of what I'll be facing shortly. You stay very positive. I love how you closed your entry with things of the spirit. I've just started getting into the habit again of reading my scriptures consistently. I hope that I can continue that when #2 is here.
I know you're a great mom even though you may be tired or sick of trivial picture books. Your boys are lucky to have a mom who stays home and gives them your time and love!!
I echo a lot of Heather's thoughts. I love that you took the time to force yourself to write this even though your brain is currently mush. It takes a lot of brain energy to compose something this well put-together.
What you've written reminds me a lot of what I felt after Christian was born. I couldn't think straight for maybe 4 months. And I was simultaneously trying to teach a college level course. Ha! I feel like my body will NEVER be the same again, even after just one pregnancy. Yes, things healed, and (like you, I think?) I ended up weighing less after all the weight loss was over than I did before Christian, but still things felt kinda funny.
Things WILL return to normal though, just like they did after we had our firsts. It's impossible to see it while you're in the middle of it. I remember just thinking I'd have to adapt to that sort of life forever. But things will return to normal and even your body will (for the most part!) Good job to you for nursing - for me it was one of the hardest things about the aftermath of the birth.
I love you, Lindsey.
Do I think your body, mind and spirit will ever be the same as it was before (or, more accurately, do I think mine has returned)? No, I do not. You will be better (ok, maybe except for the body part, but that just comes with mortal life. It will definitely improve from what you're at right now). As you struggle through the challenges of motherhood, you are being shaped and molded to be more and more like your Father in Heaven. There's nothing like babies and children and teenagers to teach us patience, strength and the unconditional love that Heavenly Father has for all of us.
Hang in there, and bring those boys over to my house every once in awhile : ).
:) I thank you as well for being so honest :)I had hard recoveries with both my kiddos. Izzy is just barely over a year...well 13 months and my body is not back to normal...lol still have the extra few pounds. (few can mean a lot without saying a lot right?) But to me you don't look like you need to lose anything, even though that's what everyone says but YOU can tell can't ya????
As far as the mind thing...(now i know this is harder when you have 2) But i tried to read while Izzy was nursing. It worked sometimes. I could get Ben to play be himself, or read next to me on the couch. Sometimes it worked...sometimes it didn't.
You are doing great. It'll get more "normal" (whatever that is) the more you learn about how your family works (when adding a new one to it). Call if you ever need to talk/vent/cry/or if you need a break or wanna hang out!
I'm so sorry! Some parts of the first few months really suck. I remember thinking I was going to have hemorrhoids the rest of my life and feeling so depressed and my stitches were awful too. My tummy muscles are separated too..
But it does get better!!! I felt like things got better at 4 months, and then again at 6 months.
Anyway, I feel like I am rambling and not helping. I live you and know you are a great mommy!!
Lindsey, I can SO understand how you are feeling. The body part gets worse with each kid....the though of skinny jeans at 6 weeks post-partum makes me laugh! But, you have those skinny girl jeans. I get to wait until my baby turns 1 and I stop nursing. Sounds like this recovery is much harder for you. If I have learned one thing it is that your body will return, your sleep will return, but holding that brand new baby and kissing on him as much as possible won't. I remember so often wishing for all that to just be over faster, and now with poor Dax, I cherish every minute of his little awesomeness!
so much i wanna write but i'm holding eleanor... will revisit soon... xoxoxoxoxo
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